I Didn't Mean To
by Cntslptheclnswilleatme
Summary: Jean's dead. Does everyone think that it's Rogue's fault? Author speaking, its been YEARS and i just came across this and I was wondering if anyone was still interested in the story and wanted to read on...?
1. How Could You?

Part One: How Could You?

I had left the mansion a year and a half ago, and I still couldn't help but think of it as home. Even after they had made me leave. 

That day I died all over again. The first time, when my parents had kicked me out of my own house had been torture. I had cried silently in the passenger side of countless trucks thinking nothing could ever make me happy again, but the X-men had made me happy. Being an X-man gave me a new family. I thought that they had loved me as much as I had loved them all. But a simple misunderstanding and all was fucked up again. 

I couldnt believe it. How can they believe that I would have done anything to hurt Jean?

Stupid fucking Brotherhood. It was all their fault. 

__________________________________________________________________________________

It had been cold that day. So cold that even their resident weather goddess couldn't warm the air up a bit. 

I had been watching TV on the couch with Logan when I heard the first scream.

Logan and I had jumped from the couch and ran toward the ear wretching wails so fast that any on-looker could have mistaken us for colorful wind. We bolted through the school as fast as our legs could carry us. A few other X-men caught up with us on the way.

I almost through up when I realized who was screaming.

"Jean!" Scott screamed from beside me. He had recognized the voice too. 

When we got there we found Jean lying in a pool of blood... Her blood.

I got to her first. She had become a sister type to me and tears were pouring down my face seeing her in such anguish. 

"Rogue?" she rasped. 

"Yeah, Jeannie. It's me. Hold on, we'll get Beast. You'll be fine."

"I'm gonna die Rogue."

"No Jeannie, you'll be fine." It was less than a whisper coming out of my mouth. 

Suddenly Jean grabbed my hand and started to take of my glove.

"What are you doing?" I asked frantically trying to pull my hand back. 

"I have to leave you with this power. Please understand, Marie." Logan was the only one who really called me Marie anymore. It only made me weep harder.

She clasped her hand with mine tight. I tried to pull away. God! I tried so hard to save her. But I couldn't get her off of me. By then the other X-men had reached us. They were screaming things, but I couldn't hear what. My head was filling with memories and mutant powers that weren't my own. It was agony as I had never felt in my life. I thought I heard a light whisper in my head ~I'm sorry.~ It was Jean's voice. In my head. Then everything was dark.

I came to in the med lab. No one else was there, which was weird because there was always someone waiting for a patient to wake up. Either Beast or... Oh Jean! The events of last night came back in a rush. Was it last night? Was it two days ago? A week? I didn't know. 

I let out a single sob that echoed through the room. I got swung my legs over the side of the table. I had to find someone. I hardly noticed that I was sobbing as I ran down the hall. My sobs subsided as I got to Xavier's office and pushed the door open. The X-men were all there and they turned to look at me.

Suddenly I saw Scott glaring at me. 

"How could you Rogue? She loved you!" he screamed at me. 

He didn't think... he couldn't think that I had done this on purpose.

"I..." I stammered at him. 

"You drained Jean! Dammit Rogue, how could you?"

"Sh-She grabbed me! I couldn't get her to let go!"

He was balling over his dead lover when he yelled, "Leave, Go!!"

I looked at the other X-men for a sign that they didn't think I had killed my best friend, but no one said anything. I ran. 

I went back to my room and put on some clothes. Riding clothes. I was fallowing Logan's example and running on a stolen motorcycle. Logan! How could he think those awful things about me. Right then I didn't care. I just had to get out of there. 


	2. Damsel Act

I decided to go somewhere warm. The cold air just made me feel hallow. And for some reason it reminded me of Jeannie. What the fuck happened to her before we got there? I couldn't believe it.

Dead.

Jeannie can't be dead.

Fuck. Jeannie's dead.

I pulled over twenty miles into Pennsylvania. I had decided to go to California. It would take days, I knew, but I didn't care. I had to get away from New York. Away from the pain. I knew I was being a coward. What choice did I have? It's sorta weird when you think about it though. It seems I'm in the most control when I'm running away from something. I decide. It fucking sucks.

Luckily this time I was twenty-one so I wasn't a "run-away." No one would fuck with me or call the police. I even had a motorcycle and didn't have to hitch a ride from horny truck drivers. I had a few thousand dollars in my pocket. Yeah. I know. That's safe as shit, ain't it? 

I had made pretty good money the few weeks I had been teaching at Mutant High. Considering the fact that I didn't have to pay taxes or rent. 

Shit.

Just that afternoon I had been teaching self-defense to teenage mutants. I ate lunch and dinner with my "family." With Jeannie. That'll never happen again. Jean will never smile at me again. She was the "sister" in my fucked up "family." 

I have no idea where Logan would have fit in my family synerio. Nor did I have the energy to think about it. 

Suddenly, I became very aware of the fact that I was sitting at the bar surrounded by drunken men who were starting to notice my tears.

"Hey, baby" one of the particularly dirty ones grumbled "What are you cryin' 'bout? Can I make ya feel betta'?"

I had a pretty good idea about how he planned on "making me feel better." So I decided to pass.

"What's 'a toots? Don't like me?" 

"Leave me alone," I said in a surprisingly steady voice considering the situation. A lot of the customers at the bar laughed and the dirty one just came closer. 

He put a hand on my hip, and I jerked away. But he made no move to take it back. I was starting to get nervous. Not for my safety, for his. As much as I disliked the guy, I'd had enough of death for one day.

"Get away from me." 

He chuckled at that. "What are ya gonna do if I don't?"

He never got an answer to that question though because he was suddenly jerked back and thrown against a wall. I stared at his unconscious body in shock.

"You okay, chere?"

I snapped my head back to see a guy about my age and obviously a mutant standing there looking at me with concerned eyes.

"I'm fine." I snapped at him. I hate playing the damsel act. I am after all an x-man... er... _was_ an x-man.

It only made him grin though. He stuck out a hand.

"I'm Remy," is all he said. 

"Rogue," I respond taking the hand. 

By then a small crowd of glaring people had gathered around us. We obviously weren't welcome. I had never shown my power though so I didn't know what the problem they had with me was. I decided to leave anyways. 

Yup. That's me. Rogue, she who runs away from any and every problem. I guess more of Logan was stuck in me than I had thought. 

Then I noticed that Remy had followed me outside.

I pivoted and glared at him. 

"Is there something I can help you with?"

"Remy wanted to know if you were da x-man, Rogue."

I soften a little. He didn't seem to have any bad intensions, and any mention of my home from just that morning was one enough to make me cry. I managed to block the tears though.

"I used to be an x-man. A couple of hours ago in fact." I say.

This seems to confuse him though.

"Look, it's a long story. I'll see you around." I turn and head for my motorcycle, but his voice calls out to me again.

"Where are you goin', chere? Remy don't mean to pry, but Remy is stranded."

Rogue looked at the man, Remy, for a second and then decided she would try to help him. 

"I was about to find a hotel or something to get some sleep. I can give you a ride there." I suggested and his face lit up.

"Thank you," he says and follows me to my bike and climbs on behind me.


	3. Fritos

A/N: I am in love with reviews. I haven't like gotten too many, but yyaaaayy, I could take a bath in them. :)

Okie, about the story. The story is gonna have sooo many different types of themes. It all depends on the mood I'm in the day I write it. I'm also gonna write some stuff in other POVs. (Logan's?) Tell me any kind of suggestions you have and how you like it. If you despise reviewing then I would understand. ::weep:: but please tell me anything you want to see happen and I'll definitely consider it. Who do you want to see together at the end?? Anyone?? Tell me!!!! Oh and sorry this is so short. It is the second. And I was gonna post yesterday but it had the virus thinger ma jigger.

Chapter 3: Remy

It was a new feeling to have someone clinging so tight to my waist. Although it made me nervous, I had to admit that sitting so close to Remy wasn't the worst thing that could be happening. Especially compared to everything that had already happened that day. 

I had actually for a second forgot about Jean. The pain came rushing back to me in a wave of misery. But I found that I couldn't cry. 

Maybe Remy noticed my sadness because he hugged my waist a little tighter. And it actually made me feel better. 

After driving about ten minutes we came to a cheap motel. (A/N: That sounds a little... odd?) We went to the registry area and I asked the guy behind the counter for two rooms. I knew that Remy didn't have any money so I just didn't bring up how he was going to pay for the room and decided to pay for it myself.

"Sorry," he said, "we only have one room left."

"How many beds?"

"One queen bed and a pull-out couch,"

"Okay, we'll take that."

He reached into a drawer and pulled out a key. He handed it to me and I led Remy to our room.

"Thanks for doing dis for Remy." Remy said when we were inside.

"No problem," I say and wave off the thank you.

In the dim lit bar and the dark parking lot Remy hadn't gotten a good look at my face and just now noticed the puffiness of my eyes from all the crying I had done.

"What's wrong, chere?"

"Nothing, I'm gonna take a shower. You can go down to the snack machines if you want." I say the last part while handing him a few bucks. "Get me some Fritos. Kay?"

He nodded and gave me a big smile. Damn, it was a gorgeous smile too.

I suppose to any normal person his red and black eyes would be scary. I liked them. Shit.

I sighed and headed for the shower.


	4. Dirty and Used

**A/N: _Although no one has actually said so, I do know that my skill is not writing people's accents. I'm not even gonna pretend to care. No, I refuse to write Rogue with a "southern twang" because those stories usually make her look like a complete wuss. I said USUALLY. (Okie, I do realize that Rogue has cried like 800 times -small exaggeration- but pthhhhhhhhhh). I'm the author so get the fuck over it. Has anyone notice that I have psychiatric issues? I ran out of my pills awhile back and I've been told that I've changed a wee bit. Sweet, sweet reviewers, I LOVE YOU!!!!!! (Not my fault. Out a pills.) But no one is telling me what you wanna have happen. I wouldn't be able to survive if people started to hate the story. No one wants to see a psycho cry or so I've been told **Like! okay! has anyone out there used WET SHINE by MAYBELLINE? I find myself regularly dedicating worship sessions (?) to it. Yeah, that was only a little off the subject. Dammit! I cant get on FF.net right now and I'm gonna kill somebody. (NOT YOU SWEET, SWEET REVIEWERS!!) Since you guys kinda know me already I feel completely comfortable telling you that I'm wearing Scooby-Doo undies. SHHHHHH don't tell. I just painted me toenails blue! There now you know some intimate details about me and can call me a friend, no? Would you ever read a friend's story without reviewing?? If so, EVIL, devil child, you must suffer my wrath!! I just did a spell-check and they tried to change dammit to Dimmitt!! hehehehehe. Omigod!! I just found a clown doll in my "pet net" -you know those bright net thingies that hold stuffed animals. Yes, I do still have one. - And I'm NOT sleeping tonight. Err... this morning. So, lemme hear them phalanges pitter- pattering on them damn keys writing me a nice suggestive review. ::looks at you PRETTY PRETTY reviewers with huge puppy eyes (which are brown if your curious):: TATA._**

When I got out of the shower I found Remy taking full advantage of our cable TV. I can honestly say that I've never seen anyone watch The Powerpuff Girls with such intensity in my entire life.

I climbed into the bed -I had decided that yes, I definitely get the bed. I fucking paid for it dammit- and stared blankly at the television. I suddenly realized that I was crying again. I was really pissing myself off. Remy apparently noticed and he came over and kneeled at the side of the bed and tried to wipe the tears away but I moved out of the range of touch. He looked confused and the slightest bit hurt so I told him that I couldn't touch people without draining them of their life source. He nodded.

"What's wrong?" he asked.

I had to tell someone my side of the story, and it seemed that I was utterly friendless so I decided to tell Remy. If he wanted to hear it. 

_________________________________________________________

****

POV of... haha me no tell, me no tell. It's pretty damn simple to figure out though. Use your noggin cuz I like the word.

Do I really think that Rogue killed Jean?

NO. Did I ever? Probably not. But I needed someone to blame. Jean was my everything. It's hard to get up in the morning. It just reminds me all over again that Jean isn't here. She never will be. 

Now that I think about it, that's probably how Rogue is feeling. Not to mention the fact that she might blame herself. I **don't **blame her. I took my anger out on her. I regret it. A lot.

Jean and Rogue were like sisters, so Rogue and me were getting close too. I miss them. Of course I miss Jean, the woman I was going to marry, but I never would have thought that I'd miss Rogue this much. I did spend a lot of time with them both. My love, and who I had blamed for her death.

__________________________________________________________________________________

****

A/N: yes, another POV and so soon too. Remember the fonts!! Each character's POV will have a different font. If it helps any: so far Rogue is Footlight MT Light, Scott is Georgia Ref, and Logan will be Rockwell. That is at least if the damn fonts even show up on the net. I'm not real sure if they do, but they help me keep track so if they don't it's your problem (?) not mine. I am such a bitch! Anyways, I think that's all... I think I might actually write more A/N (S) than story. 

Damn, I actually miss her. How did I manage to put myself into this position? I'm practically a fucking nomad. I can't be pining over a twenty-one year old. Especially after what I had done to her. 

Why didn't I say something? I knew she didn't kill her. Fuck. Everyone knew. But I was supposed to protect her. It was Marie. Marie wouldn't kill Jeannie on purpose. Want to know something totally unexpected on my part? I miss Marie more than Jean. Sure I miss Jeannie. But I didn't even know it was possible to miss someone as much as I miss Marie.

No one used to trust me and I never trusted anyone. We broke new ground. I almost cried the other day. How scary is that. Even scarier, I have been completely fucking nice to Scoot.I don't care though. I have to find Marie.

________________________________________________________________________

By the time I had told my whole story to Remy I was cradled in his arms and shaking with sobs. 

"Shhhhh" he hushed while putting a finger as close to my lips as possible without seizing. He brought the scarf I was wearing up over my lips and kissed me. (A/N: the scarf scenario's really original, neh?)

The kiss deepened and became more passionate. He stripped off my clothes and his own and used the sheets for protection. We didn't make love. That requires love.We had sex. I hated it. The whole time I felt like a slut. Dirty, used. 

I was being used. The next morning the room was empty. And so was my pocket. Since I had so much practice at it, all I could do was cry.

_________________________________________________________

The professor used the cerebro. It turned out that my prediction was right. Nobody did think that Marie had killed Jean. Beast did an autopsy. She had been shot in the chest, and it had punctured a lung. He said that even if Marie hadn't drained her of life the bullet wound would have.

The professor found Marie at a hotel in Pennsylvania. I could tell by his expression that something was wrong. He told me that I should go alone. I did. And I did damn fast.

I got to the hotel in what I would say was record time. One eye's bike helped a lot. I might even get around to thanking him someday. 

I broke the door right off it's hinges. The smell of Marie attacked me straight away. Then the smell of sex... and someone else.

I was furious, I saw her sitting on the bed and was about to yell at her when I noticed that she was rocking with her knees tucked into her chest. And she was sobbing. The single worst sound I have ever heard in my entire life. 

I went over to her and picked her up. I moved the hair out of her face and kissed her on the top of her head, where her hair would keep me from touching her skin.

I sat down on the bed with her in my lap and hugged her. 

Finally she stopped sobbing and wrapped her arms around my waist, digging her head into my chest. Fuck. I realized right then that I was in love.

****

A/N: I'm sorry to those who liked Remy as Rogue's guy. Not the evil, male slut that most make him out to be. But you know what? He is. But, don't worry you haven't seen the last of the Gambit. He'll be back. I'm not gonna promise that he won't be a he-whore though. Sorry that I just can't seem to write a long chapter. Does anyone out there live in Jacksonville, Florida?? I don't but I will soon. Anyways I'm ramblin' again so toodle-oo.


	5. Looking for You

I'm sooooo sorry. It has been _way_ to long. But I just didn't get around to it. I do have a life you know!! ::snort:: It has actually been ready for a long time but I wasn't really sure how to end it. I dont think I'm gonna have anymore in the first person POV of the x-men for a while. I'll just tell ya what's goin on with them in like, third person. This chapter is really really short. Sorry again. Okay! Half of y'all are sayin that you like evil he-slut Remy and half of y'all are sayin you like the bitch's boy Remy. I can always make it either one. Well not always o' course but right now I'm still open to which one you want him to be. Just tell me how you want it and that's how it'll be. See?? See?? Me cooperative, no??

I didn't really realize what was going on at first. I just knew that I had someone there that was warm and safe.

But, then I remembered what had happened.

"Logan, what are you doing here?"

"Looking for you darlin'."

"Why?"

"I made a mistake kid. We all did. We don't think you really killed her."

"Maybe you should have thought of that before. You fuckin' accused me of murder. I'm not goin' back."

"Come on Marie. We weren't thinking straight. Jean had just died."

"Yeah, I remember Logan. I was there. I'm NOT going back." That time I said it in my no-bullshit tone. He realized that I wasn't budging because his face softened and he said:

"Rogue, we want you back, come home whenever you want."

I didn't answer him I just nodded at him and he left. I didn't cry. I was completely dried up. I made a resolution then. I was going to live up to my name. No more ass-kissing vulnerable Marie. From now on I was _the_ Rogue.


	6. A Reason For Leaving

It took a few days to get to California. I realize that to any normal person it would take a lot longer. And by normal I mean a person that actually stops to eat, sleep, and pee. I stopped once when I noticed that the bike was coming extremely close to toppling over because I kept forgetting that yes, you _do_ have to steer in order to make the bike go the right way, and yes, you _do_ have to help it balance... and for gas of course (but very reluctantly).

I wanted to get as far away from New York as I could without having to steer around any fish. I wanted warmth year round. I seldom thought of the fact that I couldn't wear shorts or a bikini. I just... had to get away.

The one time that I did stop, I stopped at a run-down motel like the ones I can remember that Logan used to stay at. He's what hurt the most. He didn't want me there, he didn't want to protect me... he didn't love me. I'm not even saying that I wanted for him to love me. I think that I _needed_ for _someone_ to love me. Take note in the passed tense way that I said that. Need_ed. _I don't even care anymore. My parents, the x-men, Logan, Remy. Screw them. SCREW THEM. (Just not as literally this time in Remy's case). It's their loss, not mine. 

I had made a pact with myself that when I got to California I would never get attached to anyone. I always ended up hurt. I just wasn't someone that could be loved. I'll admit that did hurt, but at least I'm not one of those girls who played in there rooms with a pillow case clipped to the top of their head pretending to marry Ken, the perfect husband. I never really wanted to get married.

You always hear people who think that life is all about getting married and having children. I never saw what was so great about going through labor for God knows how long in order to raise these little brats who always want candy or toys or whatever. I always thought that life was about living for yourself not someone else. Which is a good thing for me to think considering I could never have kids. Who would want to marry me anyways??

When I saw the "Welcome to California" sign I stopped at the next motel. I was so tired that now, I can't even remember checking in to the damn place. I just remember waking up ready to start over. Marie was dead. She had been for awhile, I just didn't know it. Logan didn't know it either. He probably figured it out now, just like me. We're a lot alike. In more ways than either of us would like to admit. I don't know if he doesn't want to be like me or if he doesn't want me to be like _him. _I just know that for the first time in that hotel room, I didn't care.

I paid for the room (twelve dollars if that tells you anything about the place) and decided to start looking for a place to take more permanent residence and maybe even get a job. But first I needed a little pick-me-up. I found a bar that suited my tastes about two hours later when I found myself in a less-than-perky part of Las Angeles. The bar tender was, thank god, a girl. I was at this point a little sick of guys. Not so sick to write them off completely, hell no. I am not a lesbian (not that there's anything wrong with that). She looked at me and asked, "You been travelin'?" while drying out a beer mug with what I'm guessing was a pretty unsanitary dishcloth. Heck, maybe this would be my lucky day and I'd die from food poisoning or something. I was a little annoyed that she would ask me that without even say anything to me as if it was _that _obvious. It was that obvious though I know because that Twelve-Dollar Motel actually had a mirror in it. Not a whole one, mind you, but I'm not picky.

"Yup."

"Where from? Mississippi? You got a accent. I lived there once."

"Nah, I lived in Mississippi a while ago but I just came from New York."

"That's an even longer drive. Not much, but some. You stayin' long?"

I wasn't really used to bar tenders actually _wanting_ to talk in places like this so I was a little suspicious at first, but then I remembered that my name was Rogue not Incognito Mosquito and decided that I didn't really give a fuck so I answered her question.

"Dunno. Probably." Yeah I know; I'm a big talker.

"If you're int'rested you can take a job here. We're sorta low on help."

I looked at her and then looked around and decided, "Sure, why not."

"Great. When d'ya wanna start?"

"Whenever you need me," I answered not really expecting her to need my right then.

About five minutes later I was behind the counter serving drinks and ignoring invitations to tuck me in when he walked in. Remy. I was on the opposite side of the country and somehow I managed to walk into the same bar as _him_. If I were suspicious type I would probably care that this were so coincidental. But I'm not, never was, and I just wanted to get out of there.

To my annoyance and his health hazard he followed me out. _I guess it _isn't_ coincidental _is probably the thought that popped through my mind right then, considering the fact that I didn't run or even want to. I turned around and asked him what he wanted.

"I need to talk to you." was the best reply that he could think up on short notice. I decided to listen and stood there waiting for him to speak but he didn't seem as talkative as he claimed to be so I told him to: 

"Go on."

"About the other day..." I _really_ didn't need this shit right then so I just rolled my eyes and started to walk to my bike.

"Wait!" he said and he ran up behind me grabbing my wrist, "I have a reason for leaving. And I wanted to at least pay you back." Huh. That was interesting. 

I turned around to look at him and found that he was a lot closer than I thought he would be. A lot. 

We both just stood there like that, and what the hell was wrong with my stomach? Finally I woke back up and stepped back. "What do you want? And how did you even find me."

"I told you I want to give you an explanation and your money. You don't even have to say anything. Just listen to me."

I stayed put and he took that as his invitation to talk. " It's kind of hard to explain," he said, "but seeing as how I've been thinking about what to tell you non-stop for the past sixty hours I think that I can manage." 

...To Be Continued...

I have always wanted to say that. Now it's out of my system and you'll never hear...er... see me say...er... write it again. HaHa I'm a weirdo. Whoopdy-doo for You Know Who (me). Holy. Shit. The other day I watched _Poltergeist. The _scariest movie I have ever seen. That _God Damned _Clown. AAAAAAAAHHHHHHH. For the love of God!!!!!!!::weep::!!!!!!!!! Alrighty, so... back to business. The whole editing thing is coming soon. It would be out already but my room was taken over by a hairy mutant (no offense, Gramma) and I had no access to my computer for like 2 weeks. Okay TTFN. Tigger...hehe. Buh Bye


End file.
